frustrate- verb; to induce feelings of discouragement in
Sometimes being a single mom with teenagers is by far the most frustrating thing imaginable. Sometimes being the safe parent that your child takes out his frustration on is a blessing. Let me explain a very wise friend of mine explained early on that my children attack me verbally because I am safe, they know I am not going anywhere. Yes they might act happier around their other parent but deep down they are not sure if he will always be there.
So while I would love for my children to always be happy around me and pretend I am the coolest parent, I think it is a blessings to be in the position I am in. Frustration is an emotion I constantly struggle with and always have, as a little baby I was told I would get so mad because I couldn't do something. But I think frustration did become a blessing late in my marriage, if not for my frustration with my ex I would have never left. Frustration is a sense I have become keenly aware if I get frustrated with a relationship I know its time is limited.
priorities-noun something given or meriting attention before competing alternatives
What that definition doesn't say is sometimes priorities just flat stink. I would love to go to school full time and be done with my degree in 2-3 years but I can't do it, instead it will take me about 5-6years at the very least. Sometimes it truly stinks being the only adult parent who contributes to my children's life, I am not the fun parent I am the "everyday always here" parent. So priorities sometimes are alternatives and sometimes they are NO CHOICES HAVE TO.
I think as a single mom my life is full of "have to's" very little "want to's" although I do on occasion go out with a friend who happens to maybe happen to be a guy, but I think adult interaction with a friend is a "need to." I have to work so my kids have food, clothing and gas for my car and my parents so they can do the activities they want too. I am the only one at this point who provides for them, as the other parent is MIA, so I have to pick up the slack. So is my schooling a "have to" or a "want to" I would say a "have to", because in the future my children might one day have to depend on me so they too can attend school or need time to get their life together before they embark on adulthood. I doubt the other parent will be able to help them out as he can barely provide for himself, I am not being mean I am being honest his health is horrible and his priorities are skewed.
So back to priorities...priorities are something I have a hard time labeling, I think it would be easier to list what is not a priority. Hmmm I am not sure I bet sitting here on my computer watching a worthless show could be....wait that could come under the heading of relaxing and re-energizing. I know for me a priority are the things that I have no choice has to be done today no matter what, because if your like me you can only think in the have to right now. But I think as I reflect on my school year with work this year I know my priorities are needing some work. I realize that I need to make better use of my time so I can study more effectively, and I also realize that even though I am unable to go full-time for awhile that my course load is getting more and more intense.
For the most part I have had only one course per semester that really challenged me. Well that is coming to an end, I am picking up more and more "core" requirments so that all is left is the science and math classes, don't get me wrong I have been doing the science all along but when I changed my major I have had to pick up math too. And now I am starting to really get to the core of my sciences. So my goal this summer while I take my art appreciation class is to practice so I can become better about using my calendar for school work, I already use it for my work schedule, and to start some better strategies for finding a better balance with my school stuff. I know its a work in progress and will need constant tweeking, but I need to start this process.
The phone in dad is a dad that makes excuse after excuse to not show up for parenting his children. Its a parent that fails to show up for this wonderful journey of parenting, and fools himself into believeing he is a good always there parent. He believes that a call is a wonderful substitue for his time, his touch, and that his children will not realize that he has or is slowly checking out of their lives. Now I will make one thing very clear I am not talking about dad through no fault of their own live a ways away from their children, however I am talking about parents that live within a close distance and never shows up.
This father uses these calls to tell their children how great they are and how horrrible their mother is treating them without bothering to hear the whole story. This father might sway their children into believing a "phone in" dad is validated in only calling because he is busy or has to work or just can't make the drive or does not have the money to make the short trip. What they don't realize is you can't put a dollar amount on spending time with your children. The are guilty of never having the time to make time for their children, and figure the more they work the more they will never be accused of not showing up for their childrens lives. And that honestly mom doesn't have to say a word you are painting a picture of the true you.
The true beauty of being a parent is not the trips to baseball games, spring break trips or movie dates...the true beauty is when your teenager comes and shares the funny things that happened at school, when your son comes and tells you about the neat song he can play on his guitar. The true beauty is also when your child yells and fights with you because they know you are the safe parent who is not going anywhere. The beauty of being the "always not going anywhere" parents is the everyday day in and day out love they show to you and the development of the "parent-child" relationship to 'parent-almost adult child" who grows to respect and understand the sacrifices you have made.
Simple put the beauty of it is being the parent that gets to see God's love in giving you your children and the love that God has for your children. And eventually your children will see God's love and the strength he has given you to be both parents that your children need you to be. I only knew a handful of single parents growing up but in the year and half that I have been a single parent I have meet the most incredible God loving single parents out there. And I think ever single one is truly blessed and NOT cursed by the choice or choice that was made that led them to where they are at now. I have meet dads that have spent thousands of dollars to fight to get custody of their children and sadly I have meet parents who didn't have to fight their children was just given up but it is all for the best.
So just because I am who I am i wonder what would happen to the poor sad phone in dad if for some reason he loses the phone number of his children. Would they stress about it or just let it go and figure its another "woe is me" situation. I guess that depends on your type of phone in dad........
This has been the hardest semester so far....I had a car wreck mid-semester on the way to take a microbiology test and just didn't get my mojo back until it was almost too late. I ended up making a "C" in my micro class and a "b" in my medical terminology class and had to drop my art appreciation class. I will retake my art class this summer.
I just realized that I was not Super Single Mom, that wreck woke me up. I couldn't work full-time, go to school full-time, study to the wee hours of the night, and have a personal life which involved my children. At the very beginning of the semester I had to start working full-time because of lack of child support and that is when things started to unravel quickly, I switched to working 4 hours per night to anytime during store hours.
I am just glad the semester is over, I have the one web-based class this summer that I have already done a bunch of work for and hopefully will GET IT DONE this time. What the fall holds for me who knows. But as my mom said, I am basically getting paid to go to school, it is a blessing to get a Pell Grant, and for the sake of my children and my future I will keep pushing on
We had a great mom's day my youngest was confirmed into our church, and then I had bought tickets for the rangers v. yankees game. It was hot and sunny and we all walked away with a sunburn even though we had applied mucho amount of sunscreen but it was fun. The kids want to try and do it every year as a tradition which sound great to me :)
Well I am down to 3 more regular micro classes and 2 labs left before finals and I will be done with this semster...YEAH! We will celebrate by going to the Yankees v. Rangers game on Mom's Day :D
I am pondering more and more how to deal with my ex and his lying to the children and his ability to make himself out to be the perfect victim. For example my daughter is so proud of her father for getting his first paycheck at his new job after being unemployeed and unable to pay child support for almost 4 months. Its like they are so proud of him growing up again for the 30th time since they have been born and getting another job...way to be an adult. But no he makes it out to always to be the victim of getting fired, he never does anything wrong, how will this play out when they group up? Will he still be the victim or will they get it?
He hasn't even seen the kids since Jan. 2nd but ohh no they aren't mad at him "he has to catch up on bills" and I am sure buy his vices. By catch up on bills I mean everything but child support, but don't worry I am working more and more hours to make up for his lack. I don't feel comfortable backing down on my hours and going to school full-time again, therefore getting my degree in about half the time, because I am not confident in how long this job will last. Did I mention he has worked for this company BEFORE? Oh yeah and was fired from them too!
Its all frustrating and I know the kids desperately want their dad to be their hero but they take all their frustration out on me and all their anger is directed to me because I am the safe one, the one who is always here. But I am so tired of it. I am constantly ignoring comments and refusing to engage in arguments. I wish counseling was the answer but with what time? I wish calgon would come and take me away for a weekend!
http://www.danoah.com/2010/12/real-dads-dont-leave.html
I think most single parents can identify with this blog entry..although I think with all the single dads who have custody of their children would agree it could be titled Noncustodal parents don't leave. This is a wonderful blog check it out.
